you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
