He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
