This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
