I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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