I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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