When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
