When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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