Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
