You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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