If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
