your parents love me but you hate me
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
