I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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