dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
