please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
my poor anus
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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