what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
