very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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