if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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