you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
