i barfeds in our rink
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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