currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
