3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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