I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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