So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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