she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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