guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
