I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
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What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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