I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
