i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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