Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
