It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
