I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
