I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
