One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
