You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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