I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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