this boner is exhausting
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
