Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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