the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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