And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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