ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
