Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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