Yo dont text me then not text me
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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