Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
