either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
