I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
