ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
