cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
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I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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