I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
