her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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