I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My vagina just recognized that song.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
