I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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