he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
