I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
