I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
