Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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