I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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