Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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