listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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