How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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