I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
