If i come over, it means nothing
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
