Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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