I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
